Family.. A Circle of Strength and Love

Over the past two months, so much in our life has changed.  We were blessed with two of the most precious, beautiful baby girls we could have ever imagined.  We have lived the NICU life, we have seen strength exhibited at its finest, we have witnessed extreme heartache.  We have had challenges and advancements.  We have had separation and we have had togetherness.  Soon, we will have our whole family together again, and our life can take another step forward.

Beginning shortly after my release from the hospital, we began the true NICU life... Daily trips back and forth from the hospital to visit our girls, leaving them every night in the hands on someone else, having another person be the person to give them their first bath, their first bottle, be there when their belly button fell off, console them when they cried, feed them when they are hungry... If you've never done it, I find it hard to believe you can imagine the daily heartache you feel when you kiss your babies good night and know you have to walk out without them and go home and sleep and not be the one who is there for them each time they need you.  Every day I kissed them goodnight with tears welling in my eyes and had to bear the strength to stand up, be strong and walk out with a smile on my face and a "thank you" to my nurses.  As I sit here and speak of heartache, the heartache that I felt is not comparable to that of the heartache Brayton must have felt each day.  While he never expressed or showed his extreme heartache and sadness of only having a few minutes of Facetime or Skype with his babies everyday, I cannot even begin to fathom what his heart felt.  His strength was what got me through because as much as it was difficult for me, knowing it was far worse for him helped me to be strong and be sure to share every moment of their lives that I could with him from our distant places.

NICU life is hard to explain.. while it was challenging and sad, there were many moments of happiness and appreciation.  In the 6 weeks that we were there, I learned so much from many of the amazing nurses that crossed our paths.  They loved my babies and cared for them so wonderfully every single day, they gave them everything they needed and deserved.  They worked hard to be sure that we, as parents, were comfortable and able to enjoy our babies while kindly reminding us that they need to be put back in their cribs so they can grow and heal.  They were a listening ear on a hard day and a tissue hander when the tears rolled.  They were my picture taker on my many days alone and most importantly they taught me so much about caring for babies as a first time mom.  While NICU life was a challenge, and many days were incredibly hard, I found myself feeling sadness as I packed my bags to leave on that final day.  I developed a relationship with many of the nurses, it became the place I raised and cared for my babies for the first 4-6 weeks of their life, the place I felt comfortable and, as strange as it sounds, at 'home'.

I have mentioned the word strength a few times.. Strength is a word that I thought I had a good understanding of in the past.  Being able to push through, and overcome difficult obstacles in life, smile when the going gets tough.. etc. etc. etc... Since my girls have been born, and I have spent some time in the NICU, my understanding of strength has changed in many ways.  First off, I never saw a human being exhibit as much strength as a premature baby does in the NICU.. My girls, along with every other baby in the NICU are amazing little creatures who fight so hard everyday and show more strength than I knew possible from a being so tiny.  Most of the babies in the NICU aren't there because they have a minor little problem that can be resolved in a day or two... Most of them are there, fighting for their lives because they were brought into this world far sooner than anyone imagined they would be.  Their brains aren't ready to be outside the womb, their bodies aren't prepared for the environments we're putting them into, everything about them is unprepared for this world.  They spend everyday using every piece of strength they have, which isn't much, to remember to breathe, swallow, beat their hearts, move their bodies, keep life within them.  When they are that little and tiny, its not natural, their brains aren't fully developed and prepared to live without assistance and without having to think about every little thing they need to do to survive.  Watching them fight and thrive is one of the most amazing miracles I have ever seen.  I was a very fortunate mother who had healthy premature babies who had very few problems and thrived fairly quickly and fairly well.  To many, 4.5 and 6 weeks in the NICU seems like an incredibly long time, but compared to the others I saw around me, we were lucky.  Our babies were strong, they were healthy and the strength they had every day was something that made me more proud than I imagined I could ever be!  Aside from the babies in the NICU, the parents that sat there day in and day out and watched their babies also have a strength many of us don't understand.  It is incredibly hard to sit there and see your baby struggle, and in the same breathe it is amazing to see them thrive.  During my NICU time I saw many babies who had few or no visitors and if they did, it was for a very short time each day.  I saw babies who had parents who never left their sides and babies who had people with them as often as their people were able to be.  I saw people like Brandon Hinman (https://www.facebook.com/prayersforjenna) who was not only there supporting his babies, but also his wife who was in ICU a few floors down.  Strength has a new meaning to me and each time I look at my girls, I am reminded of the power of strength and the beautiful outcomes it has!

Our 'home'.  Full of wires, medical equipment, beeping, and so much love and strength.

The place the girls spent the first month of their life.. 

Progress!  Moving from isolettes to open cribs is a big deal in the NICU.  They made the move flawlessly!  As a preemie, regulating your body temperature as well as keeping all of your other vitals stable is a challenge.  

One month old

Oxygen mask lingering in an empty baby crib... Evidence of a hard day for a baby girl... 

Now that we are home, and I am learning to be, for now, a single mom of two, I have found that strength continues to be a prominent feature in my life.  While I have to be strong, and find ways to do life with two, my husband has to watch from the other end of a camera while we figure it all out and he isn't here experiencing it with us.  Again, we are being strong, but he is simply amazing in the strength he has to finish his most challenging semester of vet school, while being separated from his wife and babies.. In 11 days, we will be together again and shortly after we will be settled into our new apartment and FINALLY beginning our life TOGETHER, something we've been dreaming about for months!

Coming home, including Daddy! 

Our first day home, celebrating being together again with Daddy!

How we often spent our evenings - talking and hanging out with Dad! 

True love at its finest

Finally making it home to Cape Vincent! 

As far as the girls, they are amazing.  Simply amazing.  I can't say if having two babies is super challenging, because I know nothing else, and honestly, I can't imagine it any other way.  To experience twice the love and twice the smiles and twice everything - good and bad - is a blessing I wouldn't trade for the world.  Two is my life, and I am the happiest Mom I could be!  Both girls are growing perfectly, are changing and progressing just as they should be, and are bringing me more joy every day.  I am so proud of them!