Confessions of a Mom...

 No one can explain to you what being a Mom is like.  No one can help you understand the emotions, the frustrations, the needs, the wants, the exhaustion, the happiness.  Most importantly, no one can understand it fully, until they have done it.  I used to think that I understood.  I am a teacher, I work with kids, I have always been around babies, done lots of babysitting, I GET IT!  Then I became a Mom and that changed.  Maybe so many things changed for me because I have two babies.  Maybe it is because they were two babies who were born teeny-tiny and have had some scary encounters already in their short lives.  Maybe it's because I am a SAHM and don't have to trust anyone else with my babes.. The 'maybe's' are endless, but regardless of what the maybe is, so much about my view on parenting, and life has changed!

Here are some Mom confessions..

Confession Number 1: Yes, I have my hands full, but not that full that every time I am seen out in public with my girls, I need to be reminded... 
The comments that people make to a parent with twins are really unbelievable.. Sometimes I wonder what on EARTH would possess a person to say that to another person?  I think I get the comment "You must have your hands full" at least once every time I leave the house... Maybe instead of saying, "Yes, I do..." I should start saying, "If you think my hands are full, you should see how full my heart is!"  I've never had a singleton, so I cannot compare the "hands full" of one baby to two, but really, my hands AREN'T that full.  I have two remarkably perfect, happy, content, laid back, easy going babies who I wouldn't trade a thing about!
*In case you are wondering what some of the other ridiculous comments are, here are some:
     "Are they twins?"
          - Endless answers here..
     "Are they boys or boy/girl?"
          - My girls are generally dressed like girls!
     "Do twins run in your family?"
          - Now, this isn't so bad, but identical twins are not genetic..
          This comment is annoying when I've already told someone they
          are identical and identical twins are spontaneous!
     "How do you get out of the house?"
          - Same way any parent with a child does..
     "Better you than me!"
          - Why YES!  If that is your perspective on twins, I am certainly GLAD you don't have them!!!

Confession Number 2: I hate when people rudely question the choices you make as a parent.
Let me clarify this.  I am totally happy to explain to you/talk to you about why I am doing the parenting of MY child a certain way.  I am also happy to have a civil conversation about what you believe may be a better way.  What I am not okay with is people who like to ridicule you for doing things a certain way.  Maybe they act the way they do because they don't do what you do or because they need to defend their way over yours to sounds 'better'.  Regardless, the world of parenting is a brutal place where everyone believes their way is the better way.  We are ALL guilty of this, even me, but it's something I am going to strive to be better at because as my girls get older and people do it to me, I see how ridiculous it makes the other person look and I don't want to be in those shoes!

Confession Number 3: Sometimes there are days when all I do is feed, change diapers and snuggle babies.. And that is ok =) 
They will only be babies once and someday they won't need you to hold them and console them, so do it while you can!  

Confession Number 4: There are some days when I don't think I could survive without pacifiers.  

Confession Number 5: When we decided to cloth diapers 95% of the people I know said "I give you a month" "You'll never last!"  "You're crazy" (Refer back to #2....) and I am so glad that we made the decision we did!  
So far my girls have been in exclusively cloth (aside from 2 days Ellie was in the hospital, she had to wear sposies) since the beginning of April and I am very happy with my decision to CD.  Have there been days when I have been frustrated? YES!  Have there been days where I wanted to throw my hands in the air? Yes!  But, overall, I wouldn't do it any other way.  CDing is hard, it takes dedication, problem solving, experimenting, but I love it.  Do I think everyone should do it? NO!  If you aren't totally on board and willing to do all that comes along with it, don't.  I think it's a lifestyle choice that you have to say yes or no to, and I am very happy with my decision.

And not to mention.. How cute are those little bums =)

Confession Number 6: I am the over protective Mom I thought I'd never be.  
Yes, I know it.  Yes, I am sure it makes some people crazy that I am this way. No, I will not change.

Confession Number 7: I love Breastfeeding.
Many people also thought I was crazy to try to exclusively breastfeed two babies.  Honestly, so did I at times.  I have been incredibly fortunate to have a surplus milk supply, so far have had no BFing related issues, and my girls are great latchers and eaters!  When Brayton first came home we took a bit of a step back from exclusively breastfeeding and gave some bottles with pumped milk, but since he's gone back to school, they get a bottle maybe once every 2 weeks and I am OK with that.  I love the time I get with my girls during our feedings, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.  I hope for many, many more months of successful BFing!

Nothing sweeter than feeding my babies, and watching them hold hands.. Pure happiness <3

Confession Number 8: We get a lot of sleep at night.
I should probably never have more kids, because I am sure they will never be as good as these two!  I hope this trend continues for a long time! =)

Confession Number 9: Sometimes I miss working.. And alone time..
I LOVE LOVE LOVE being a SAHM, I LOVE LOVE LOVE my babies, I love taking them places and doing things with them, but as every normal human being does, I love some alone time.  Since having babies, I get jittery excited butterflies in my stomach when I get to go to the grocery store alone and leave the girls home with Daddy!  Sometimes I even ask if I can go put gas in the car... Alone!  It's amazing how things change!  What I love the most though, is that I get to go on that lone grocery trip, and I am gone for a few hours and I love even more, coming home to my girls smiling 'it's my Mama' face!  

Confession Number 10: I miss walking out the door, and going to the beach or the pool, anytime I want, year round.. and being tan!
When I first moved to St. Kitts, I hated it.. When I left, it felt like home and I knew I'd miss parts of it.  People ask me what I miss about it, and I have to say this is it!  Its summer here, and I am pasty, pale and white (yes, part of that is the fact I have two babies!) and I haven't been in or around water since St. Kitts and I miss it.  I miss the warm pools and the sandy beaches.. I miss places for my dogs to run and be happy, I miss the SK sun.  Maybe if I was there with two babies we wouldn't be enjoying those luxuries, but I just have to believe we would! Shaded strollers for babies - Sun for Mama - Warm pools to relax in... Back to Reality... Central Air and yoga pants!

We had our first pool outing the other day!  The water was cold - BOO UPSTATE NY! WE MISS ST. KITTS!

While fun, pool days are exhausting <3

I am sure I could come up with many more, but that is sufficient for now.. I think my biggest confession, is not a confession at all but a known truth... I am one proud Mama who loves her baby girls more than life itself!

Being a SAHM

I have written this blog post in my head so many times, trying to find all the right words to sum up my life at this point... I don't think it will ever be possible, but here is my go!

Being a mom has shown me a whole new sort of love.  When I met Brayton and fell in love, I thought I had found the ultimate feeling of love, and then it just kept growing and growing.  The day I married him, I felt a whole new sort of love again, stronger than I knew possible.  As our life went on, I continued to love him more and more every day.  Last year when we found out we were pregnant and having twins, I fell in love again with my husband, but also found a new love in my children.  I wasn't sure I could fit any more love in my heart, then those babies grew and started moving and kicking and I fell MORE in love with them!  On February 13, 2014, I felt a love like one I've never felt before, when I saw my babies for the first time.  My heart was full, there wasn't any space left for more love, or so I thought.  Then, on February 14, 2014, Valentine's Day, I found space for more love as my tiny babies were placed in my arms for the first time.  They filled my heart with more pride and joy and love than I knew was possible.  Apparently, my heart keeps getting bigger and finding more room because as my girls grew in the NICU and gained strength I continued to fall more and more in love.  Today, as they are learning to smile and laugh, recognize and need me, snuggle on my chest, I find myself falling more and more in love.  Every time their face lights up with a smile, I can feel myself melting and I couldn't possibly love someone more!  I cannot wait to see the love continue to grow every day as my precious, 3 pound babies continue to grow into perfect little girls.    

Because of many things in our life right now, I have been so fortunate to be able to be a SAHM (stay at home Mom) and spend every day with my girls.  Honestly, I am so glad because I don't think I could go back to work if I had to.  After 6 weeks of having to constantly leave them, I am more than ready to not have to do it again, anytime soon!  I often find myself missing them and rushing to get home after a short trip to the grocery store when they are home with Daddy!  I also believe that I would have an incredibly hard time finding someone to leave them with!  After going through the challenges we faced in the NICU, watching their precious faces turn blue because they'd choked and stopped breathing, seeing them still have minor episodes of choking and the look of fear on their face - this mom isn't leaving her babies, anytime soon!

Before I was a SAHM, I often wondered how people did it.  Didn't they get bored?  Didn't they need to work? Get a break from being home all the time?  So many things I didn't understand until I did it... I recently found this article about being a SAHM to twins, and it summed things up nicely!  Being a SAHM is hard, but it is, by far, the best, more rewarding job in the entire world.  Waking up each day knowing I get to spend my entire day taking care of my babies makes waking up each day worth all the 'hard' stuff.  The questions I used to have, about being bored and feeling like you needed to go back to work... ha... There isn't time to be bored, honestly, someday's it is 5 o'clock when Brayton gets home that I realize I haven't brushed my teeth, or changed out of my pajamas!  

The girls are doing great and amaze me everyday!  I often look at them and feel as if they grew overnight!  It is hard to believe that 4 short months ago they were 3 lb babies, hooked up to wires and monitors and trapped in a heated box in the NICU... Now they are both over 10 lbs, smiling, laughing, kicking, squirming, showing emotion, gaining so much strength and constantly putting a smile on my face.  I feel like the luckiest Mama out there!  

4 month difference!
Bottom pic - Left Ellie, Right Jules
Top pic - Left Jules, Right Ellie

Happy 4 Months to my girls! 

  

 

A new kind of love

Where has the time gone?  Is it really possible that my baby girls are already 3 months old, plus some?!  The past three months have been filled with more love than I knew existed and each day I fall more and more in love.  They are simply perfect and fill my heart with so much joy and pride.

Since my last post over a month ago so much has changed in our lives and I have found it challenging to find the time to sit down and blog.  Truthfully, I would rather take the extra time I have in my day to snuggle with my babies!

Here is a rundown of important events in the past couple months:

April 13th was the girls 2 month birthday... I am blown away at how fast they are growing and changing each and every day.

On April 20th, we finally had the homecoming we'd been waiting for for so many weeks - Daddy came home from St. Kitts!  It had been a long, hard 7.5 weeks without him here with us.  During the time he was gone, we spent many hours skyping, sending pictures and doing whatever we could to be together as a family from afar.  It was really hard, but we made it and it made our being together even more special!  I am blessed to have such a magnificent husband that loves his family so much and is willing to make sacrifices for us!  The girls and I planned a surprise pick-up for Brayton at the airport and as he walked through the exit doors, after 2 long days of travel and many missed and changed flights, he was greeted by his girls that he hadn't seen in 7 weeks.  It was a moment of pure happiness and the love of a reunited family.

Waiting for Daddy!! 

Daddy arrived home on the girls first Easter! <3

And finally, the moment he'd been waiting for for over 2 months... snuggling his girls at HOME!

 Once Daddy arrived home, our days were filled with snuggles and packing, getting ready to head to our next new home in Ithaca.  We will miss our river home, but are excited for another new adventure!  We're also looking forward to returning home to an ice free river ready for summer fun!
 

 May 3nd we celebrated Daddy's birthday and another great year!  We are all so proud of everything he has and continues to accomplish!  Joedy, Gerald, Lyndi and Travis all came to Ithaca to celebrate with us and we had a great day!!

As the girls are growing, they are becoming more and more identical!  I also want to say how incredibly pleased I am with our Cloth Diapering experience.  We have no bought a single disposable diaper or wipe since beginning of April and are so happy with our cloth!  The only regret I have thus far is not starting earlier!

   Since moving to Ithaca we have done a great deal of exploring!  It is a truly beautiful place!  We have discovered quite a few parks and love to spend time along the lake!

This month we also made our first trip to the zoo!  The girls slept the entire time, but we enjoyed it!  The girls got ohhhhed and awwwed over more than the animals I think!  

The month of May also brought about my first Mother's Day.  It is an amazing feeling being a Mom and knowing that you created, carried, and birthed two amazing little human beings is a wonderful feeling!  Each time I look at my girls, I feel so blessed to have these perfect baby girls!  I spent the day with my parents and my little family exploring Ithaca and couldn't have asked for a better day!  Feeling so blessed with the things life has given me! 

To end, this month my baby girls are 3 months old.. While they should only be celebrating their one month birthday we are SO glad that we got to have them for a bit longer and that we've been able to truly cherish the newborn phase for so long.  Having preemie babies is a challenge in so many ways but getting those extra months of tiny baby snuggles is simply amazing! <3

Family.. A Circle of Strength and Love

Over the past two months, so much in our life has changed.  We were blessed with two of the most precious, beautiful baby girls we could have ever imagined.  We have lived the NICU life, we have seen strength exhibited at its finest, we have witnessed extreme heartache.  We have had challenges and advancements.  We have had separation and we have had togetherness.  Soon, we will have our whole family together again, and our life can take another step forward.

Beginning shortly after my release from the hospital, we began the true NICU life... Daily trips back and forth from the hospital to visit our girls, leaving them every night in the hands on someone else, having another person be the person to give them their first bath, their first bottle, be there when their belly button fell off, console them when they cried, feed them when they are hungry... If you've never done it, I find it hard to believe you can imagine the daily heartache you feel when you kiss your babies good night and know you have to walk out without them and go home and sleep and not be the one who is there for them each time they need you.  Every day I kissed them goodnight with tears welling in my eyes and had to bear the strength to stand up, be strong and walk out with a smile on my face and a "thank you" to my nurses.  As I sit here and speak of heartache, the heartache that I felt is not comparable to that of the heartache Brayton must have felt each day.  While he never expressed or showed his extreme heartache and sadness of only having a few minutes of Facetime or Skype with his babies everyday, I cannot even begin to fathom what his heart felt.  His strength was what got me through because as much as it was difficult for me, knowing it was far worse for him helped me to be strong and be sure to share every moment of their lives that I could with him from our distant places.

NICU life is hard to explain.. while it was challenging and sad, there were many moments of happiness and appreciation.  In the 6 weeks that we were there, I learned so much from many of the amazing nurses that crossed our paths.  They loved my babies and cared for them so wonderfully every single day, they gave them everything they needed and deserved.  They worked hard to be sure that we, as parents, were comfortable and able to enjoy our babies while kindly reminding us that they need to be put back in their cribs so they can grow and heal.  They were a listening ear on a hard day and a tissue hander when the tears rolled.  They were my picture taker on my many days alone and most importantly they taught me so much about caring for babies as a first time mom.  While NICU life was a challenge, and many days were incredibly hard, I found myself feeling sadness as I packed my bags to leave on that final day.  I developed a relationship with many of the nurses, it became the place I raised and cared for my babies for the first 4-6 weeks of their life, the place I felt comfortable and, as strange as it sounds, at 'home'.

I have mentioned the word strength a few times.. Strength is a word that I thought I had a good understanding of in the past.  Being able to push through, and overcome difficult obstacles in life, smile when the going gets tough.. etc. etc. etc... Since my girls have been born, and I have spent some time in the NICU, my understanding of strength has changed in many ways.  First off, I never saw a human being exhibit as much strength as a premature baby does in the NICU.. My girls, along with every other baby in the NICU are amazing little creatures who fight so hard everyday and show more strength than I knew possible from a being so tiny.  Most of the babies in the NICU aren't there because they have a minor little problem that can be resolved in a day or two... Most of them are there, fighting for their lives because they were brought into this world far sooner than anyone imagined they would be.  Their brains aren't ready to be outside the womb, their bodies aren't prepared for the environments we're putting them into, everything about them is unprepared for this world.  They spend everyday using every piece of strength they have, which isn't much, to remember to breathe, swallow, beat their hearts, move their bodies, keep life within them.  When they are that little and tiny, its not natural, their brains aren't fully developed and prepared to live without assistance and without having to think about every little thing they need to do to survive.  Watching them fight and thrive is one of the most amazing miracles I have ever seen.  I was a very fortunate mother who had healthy premature babies who had very few problems and thrived fairly quickly and fairly well.  To many, 4.5 and 6 weeks in the NICU seems like an incredibly long time, but compared to the others I saw around me, we were lucky.  Our babies were strong, they were healthy and the strength they had every day was something that made me more proud than I imagined I could ever be!  Aside from the babies in the NICU, the parents that sat there day in and day out and watched their babies also have a strength many of us don't understand.  It is incredibly hard to sit there and see your baby struggle, and in the same breathe it is amazing to see them thrive.  During my NICU time I saw many babies who had few or no visitors and if they did, it was for a very short time each day.  I saw babies who had parents who never left their sides and babies who had people with them as often as their people were able to be.  I saw people like Brandon Hinman (https://www.facebook.com/prayersforjenna) who was not only there supporting his babies, but also his wife who was in ICU a few floors down.  Strength has a new meaning to me and each time I look at my girls, I am reminded of the power of strength and the beautiful outcomes it has!

Our 'home'.  Full of wires, medical equipment, beeping, and so much love and strength.

The place the girls spent the first month of their life.. 

Progress!  Moving from isolettes to open cribs is a big deal in the NICU.  They made the move flawlessly!  As a preemie, regulating your body temperature as well as keeping all of your other vitals stable is a challenge.  

One month old

Oxygen mask lingering in an empty baby crib... Evidence of a hard day for a baby girl... 

Now that we are home, and I am learning to be, for now, a single mom of two, I have found that strength continues to be a prominent feature in my life.  While I have to be strong, and find ways to do life with two, my husband has to watch from the other end of a camera while we figure it all out and he isn't here experiencing it with us.  Again, we are being strong, but he is simply amazing in the strength he has to finish his most challenging semester of vet school, while being separated from his wife and babies.. In 11 days, we will be together again and shortly after we will be settled into our new apartment and FINALLY beginning our life TOGETHER, something we've been dreaming about for months!

Coming home, including Daddy! 

Our first day home, celebrating being together again with Daddy!

How we often spent our evenings - talking and hanging out with Dad! 

True love at its finest

Finally making it home to Cape Vincent! 

As far as the girls, they are amazing.  Simply amazing.  I can't say if having two babies is super challenging, because I know nothing else, and honestly, I can't imagine it any other way.  To experience twice the love and twice the smiles and twice everything - good and bad - is a blessing I wouldn't trade for the world.  Two is my life, and I am the happiest Mom I could be!  Both girls are growing perfectly, are changing and progressing just as they should be, and are bringing me more joy every day.  I am so proud of them!

Love at First Sight

Thursday, February 13, 2014 was the big day.

I was scheduled to deliver my babies at 32 weeks and 1 day via C-section.

My life was changed forever.

Brayton made it home with no problems Wednesday evening, we spent our last night together prior to being parents in my hospital room and prepared ourselves for the biggest day of our lives.  We were so excited to finally get to see and hopefully hold our baby girls for the first time yet so scared at the possibility that something could go wrong bringing them into the world 8 weeks early.  I felt a cluster of emotions at no longer being pregnant and feeling and having those wonderful baby girls inside me and the responsibility of my body not 'working right' and forcing the premature birth of them.  The fear and excitement we felt were overwhelming and we were both ready for whatever was to come the next day.

My morning was spent with my family visiting and hanging out, helping my keep my mind at ease and doing what families do - being there!  The time passed quickly as I had my normal morning NST, nurse and doctor checks, vitals monitored, showered, and hooked up to IV fluids to prepare me for surgery.  12:30 pm quickly arrived, Dr. Spadola came in to make sure I was ready and I was taken upstairs to Labor and Delivery.  There I met with my anesthesiologist and many nurses who would be part of my surgery.  The time came where Mom, Dad and Bit were asked to leave and Brayton and I had our last few minutes together before meeting our girls.

I was taken into the operating room and Brayton was told they would be back to get him in about 15 minutes after my spinal was set and we were ready for delivery.  In the operating room there were two big set ups for the girls, a team of nurses and doctors surrounding each of them, the operating table with a team of nurses and doctors surrounding that for me and a variety of other OR things - honestly, I was too overwhelmed to even take in my surroundings.  I was put on the table and prepared for the spinal.  Due to my swelling, I had an extremely hard time sitting straight and upright.  I tried and the furthest I could get was with a lean to the right.  Unfortunately, this was not conducive for a spinal and he had to try numerous times with no success except tingles on my right side.  Finally, I beared the pain and discomfort, forced myself to sit centered and up straight and tall (with the help of doctors and nurses holding me in place) and within seconds the spinal was in and effective!!  Brayton was then brought in - after about a 30 minute wait rather than 15 minute wait.  This was the longest 30 minutes of his life!!

Delivery went flawlessly, Baby A was delivered and 2:31 and Baby B at 2:33. I was able to see and touch both girls and Brayton was able to watch the entire delivery!  Both girls were healthy and were taken to the NICU with their teams.  They were both put on CPAP which is just room air being pushed into the lungs to help prevent their lungs from collapsing as they aren't fully developed and their brains aren't developed enough to tell their lungs to keep working!

They were also put on monitors to track their heart rate, respiratory rate and oxygen levels.  They were given IV's to be fed through as the first few days they only received nutrients via the IV until we began breast milk on Sunday (3 days old).  The girls bilirubin levels were both high and they were both put under UV lights on Day 2.  There have been a variety of changes and the girls have surpassed the expectations of all the doctors and nurses.  They are doing things ahead of schedule and making great progress each day!  We have been blessed with two strong, loving, perfect baby girls <3

Post delivery for me was a bit more rough.  I was really sore from the surgery and swelling that I had pre-surgery so I was quite out of it.  I was also on some heavy pain meds and pretty much restricted to bed.  I was not able to get out of bed enough Thursday night to go up to the NICU to see the girls.  That was very difficult.  Brayton went up to visit them numerous times and took lots of pictures for me.  Friday morning, even though it was very difficult, I forced myself out of bed and into a wheelchair and went up to visit my girls for the first time.  I will never forget how incredible, yet scary it was to see them attached to all their monitors and IV's and swaddled up tight in their isolettes.  They were handed to me - one at a time because they were in separate areas of the NICU at this point - and holding my baby for the first time was an incredible feeling.  Their tiny bodies, their wrinkly skin, their fresh baby smell, their fluttering eyes, everything about them was perfectly perfect.

Brayton had to return to St. Kitts to finish his final semester of Vet School on this past Monday.  It was terribly hard for him (and for me) to leave the girls and know he wasn't going to see or hold them again for 53 more days.  This pregnancy has presented us with many challenges, all of which we have overcome successfully and this is just another one that will only make each of us and our relationship stronger!  We have an awesome little family <3

Today, the girls are 2 weeks old and have done an amazing job in the NICU.  Each of them has surpassed all the nurses and doctors expectations and they have done everything they were supposed to do a day or two ahead of time.  We, and all the doctors and nurses, are so impressed with their progress and strength.  We have two strong, beautiful, and simply perfect little girls.  


                                                         We couldn't ask for more!

Baby A
Elliana June Hill was born at 2:31 PM on February 13, 2014.  She weighed 3 lbs 9 oz and was 16 1/4" long.  She was born at 32 weeks, 1 day old.

Day 1

Day 14

Baby B
Juliette Kathy Hill was born at 2:33 PM on February 13, 2014.  She weighed 3 lbs 14 oz and was 17" long.  She was born at 32 weeks, 1 day old.

Day 1

Day 14